The Merit of Family, Over Career

A driven woman shares feelings after choosing family over career, for once.

Since age 9 years old, I’ve been a writer — initially of poems.

I set out for college at 17 for journalism to deepen my skills.

At 21, I embarked on Chicago on a quest to fulfill my life through career.

My transition to NYC at 27 was a more fervent quest for full realization of my creative gifts.

As I was out in the world discovering, there was one cousin who was always a constant for me. Her name was Pamela Denise Smith. I’d go away, and crawl back to Memphis, in various states — gleeful with new possibilities, broken hearted over a breakup or divorce, saddened to see my mother die, followed by my sister 16 years later. When her brother, my cousin (who housed me when I first moved to NYC) died in Los Angeles, we waited those painful days together. Painfully awaiting his last breath, holding our breaths at Venice Beach and In and Out Burger.

I’d told her so many times the quote, “there are those who go, and those who stay, and both are equally needed.” I very likely butchered the paraphrase, and I can’t find the originator to properly attribute the quote. But, often I would tell Cousin Pam (as I called her), you mean so much to me, because you ground me. I know that you believe in me, and really support me, and want all of the very best for me.

We all need just one person in our life who unwaveringly supports us. Being in the creative field, few friends or family have ever fully grasped how I truly earn my living — other than teach, write and boss people around. But, what I did never mattered to my cousin. What mattered most was that I was living my life.

She’d left Memphis for Flint, Michigan in the 70s, and returned to Memphis to live her life with her beloved son, Omar, alongside my Aunt Dorothy & Uncle Gene. And she, like my mother, wanted me to explore the world, and all that it had to offer. There was never any resistance to my ideas about trying new things or going places I had never done. Only support. In fact, she helped me build my home in New Orleans and repair my family home in Memphis. Even from her hospital bed, she made me put her on speaker to tell the Home Depot attendant what kind of paint I really needed.

So, when she was project managing the home repairs at my Memphis family home, and admitted that her health was preventing her from finishing, I knew that this was serious. She is an intense little woman, who LOVES creating and building. A swift decline over two months with her only son by her side the whole way, and me traveling back and forth to manage the home and visit her while there led me to really ponder, what matters most.

One day, I walked into Cousin Pam’s hospital room at Methodist Hospital to bring her some Cozy Corner. Let me add that this was a special request of hers relayed by her son. The health freak that I am was like “I will not poison my cousin, should I be doing this, will her body have a reaction, sigh)?” When I walked into her room, she was staring out the window looking towards the downtown Memphis skyline. There was no music. No TV. Just her in her silence. Waiting for a diagnosis. After being assured by her and Omar that this was safe food for her intake, on pins and needles, I played some Bobbi Humphreys at her request as she nibbled at pork ribs. She was content. I was happy to just be there in the same space. This is when I realized how important people are and can be to us, at the soul level.

Although we would always bring each other treats, soaps, perfume, skincare products, trinkets from trips, her last gift to me was wooden spoons for my tea awaiting me at her home while she was in the hospital. She had little energy left, but she whispered to make sure I got the spoons she had for me. The fact that even as she battled her illness that she thought enough of me to get me a gift, overpowered me with love.

So, when my cousin Omar called to tell me that the doctor had given him notice of a short life expectancy, I had a decision to make which I had never had to make before. Knee deep in the midst of a semester, two event productions, and most pressingly an interview with the inventor of Siri the next day, this career-centric woman whose identity has been so defined by my accomplishments, was torn. Do I go, or do I stay?

So, mid-day on Tuesday, April 30, I sat on my floor and called my friend Rhonda, who knew Cousin Pam and of the importance of my relationship with her for years, and whose spirit has been a balm since 1989 for me. She answered second ring. I began wailing, and found the composure to explain the situation. Rhonda is an Executive Director of a fascinating non-profit in Chicago, so I’m sure she really didn’t have time for my tears at 2 PM in the afternoon. But she listened and said, “when you have critical decisions to make, ask yourself “what will you think 10 mins from now, 10 days from now, and 10 years from now. What will matter most to you?”

While it is difficult to know what you will think of decisions you make after the present moment, I understood the concept. And got to packing. Called my colleague Albert at Loyola, explained that I had to get to Memphis tonight, and he problem solved for me, and I drove to Memphis in 5 hours flat. Being with my sistercousin, alongside her son, sister, niece, great niece, and two cousins with John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme playing as she took her last breath was a transformative experience, and one I am forever changed by.

In addition to my soul being comforted knowing that she was surrounded by love as she transcended the earth plane. I also grew up.

I learned that I am more than my career. That I can make decisions totally unrelated to it, and will still be relevant and have opportunities. That while some people will understand, some may not. And either way is ok. Because in the end, our souls are eternal, and nothing but love exists. And love is felt, not emailed.

Olivia is a C-Suite Marketing Exec & Founder of Omerge Alliances & Freedom at The Mat. An NYU & Loyola Professor, she has led mktg at influential organizations such as Carol’s Daughter, VIBE, Live Nation, Ogilvy & more for 25+ years. A Native Memphian, now based in New Orleans, is a forever Harlemite who travels extensively and blooms where she is planted.